My Dinner with Station Management
by JesusMcCarthy
Summary: It's just an ordinary day in Night Vale, the sky is purple, the screams are quiet and the black abyss outside the bowling alley leading to a lizard dimension is shining brightly. Cecil Palmer has a very special guest, but will his many, many hinderances ruin what could have been perfect? Find out, in My Dinner with Station Management.
1. Chapter 1 - Greetings Listeners

**Chapter 1: Greetings Listeners**

It was a beautifully eerie twilight in Night Vale as Cecil Palmer pedalled his bicycle to the community radio station. The air was the most beautiful shade of purple, the rain was the perfect level of acidity and animal carcasses littering the streets were perfectly odourless. Today was perfect and Cecil couldn't wait to do the interview with the love of his life, perfect scientist Carlos.

Cecil quietly entered the building which seemed to have noticeable less screams coming out of the office of station management than usual, he found his desk with a warm box of pizza from Big Rico's and a delicious cup of coffee from Intern Georgia. Looking outside the window, the moon shone bright and the glimpses of colour from the Night Vale Elementary School's PTA Meeting (most likely from the Glow Cloud) helped light up the misty night sky. Cecil went through his mail, discovering coupons for John Peters' delicious imaginary corn and a glowing blood amulet as a gift from the city council.

Cecil reached out for his notepad and jotted down the return date of his newly rented library book, a biography of Helen Hunt, as a gift from the faceless spectre for Cecil's act of kindness on a previous radio broadcast. As Cecil looked outside across the cactus fields, observing their beautiful new haircuts, across the Arby's, the mysteriously glowing Radon Canyon, the Abandoned Mine Shaft with HBO, the Post Office and the non-existent Dog Park he felt proud to live in such a beautiful city.

He turned on his microphone, greeted his listeners and prepared himself for another nightly broadcast.


	2. Chapter 2 - Limbo

**Chapter 2: Limbo **

Cecil lit a humble cigar as the prerecorded sponsor message played, he wondered if the listeners knew they were merely just ploys of subliminal messaging from the helicopters. _Those helicopters._ Cecil remembered the night out he had that day:

After eating a deep dish from Big Rico's with a lemon soda he went back to the library to return an interesting biography of Helen Hunt. And then he remembered. Wheat and wheat by-products. The poisonous, supremely deadly edible substance that the Sheriff's secret police worked tirelessly to outlaw. The edible substance in Big Rico's deep dish. Cecil suddenly lost all oxygen, secreted eye jelly and had a case of super-epilepsy, Fanny Brice approximation syndrome and Elephantitis all in one. He tried everything, chanting in Spanish, calling out the glow cloud, the PYRAMID and every other strange deity in Night Vale. Cecil blacked out.

He awoke in a strange room. It was void of all colour. Nothing in that room existed, exists or was in the process of existing. Cecil thought

"Am I in Limbo? Why aren't I in heaven? I did the baby's blood ritual every full moon"

Then, suddenly, the mysterious hooded figures who never existed appeared all around him. Cecil immediately forgot the dog park, the library, the Pink Floyd Light Show Experience, the Pyramid and the colour blue. He was lifted into the air by the figures and felt strange messages enter his mind:

"UTMOST CONTROL"

"SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES"

"FULL STATION MANAGEMENT"

"INTERN CLONES"

""

"BIG RICO BIG RICO"

A bright white light spun around and around the room, Cecil thought he would die until.

He woke up at the Elementary School Playground. Hiram McDaniels had phoned the Sheriff, Old Woman Josie offered him corn muffins (unsalted) and the angels (except the black one) all asked him his opinions on current affairs. Cecil assumed that in a drunken stupor, he had dreamt the whole escapade after concussing himself on the sidewalk.

Until he discovered the mark on his shoulder, the mark of the birds on the helicopter. The Helicopters that terrorised Night Vale and the Helicopters who secretly controlled the entire town.

Intern Lucy came in and told Cecil that the same message had been repeating on the radio for 3 hours and he had fallen asleep due to a lack of oxygen from the tobacco smoke in the air. Cecil suddenly sprung back into action and announced the traffic.


	3. Chapter 3 - Lizard King

**Chapter 3: Lizard King**

It had certainly been a dull day in Night Vale. No alien abductions, no mutant limbs grown, no Satanic beings entering the city. Just the usual media conspiracies and throat mutilations due to overdue library books. Cecil had become enthralled with Helen Hunt, watching the old episodes of her sitcom Mad About You in the background of his radio broadcasts. She was nearly perfect, perhaps more perfect than Carlos, now that he lost his gorgeous hair. His gorgeous, shining hair.

Intern Lucy came rushing in, bearing strawberry pie and coffee. In her hand was a fax from the an unknown source, though Cecil knew exactly what it was. Cecil turned on his microphone and let his honey-soaked voice flow through the airwaves:

"Attention listeners, this just in, Old Woman Josie and her Angels are having a garage sale in the Car Lot. Items on sale include old Angel halos, corn muffins, a lightbulb and a coupon valid for an angel helper for a month. So head on down to the Car Lot and grab yourself a bargain! However, be sure to look out for the gaping black hole on the sidewalk near the bowling alley. To the owner of the Ford Fiesta, your car has been sucked in to the lizard dimension. And now, the weather."

Cecil loved the sound of his own voice, his baritone croon soaring over the city gave him a satisfaction like no other. Cecil also loved this pie, it was creamy, sweet and fruity all wrapped in crispy, crispy pastry. Cecil then remembered he had made a crucial mistake. He had forgotten his guest, Carlos. The scientist, the perfect, beautiful, delicious scientist. His olive skin and tasselled hair glinting in the fluorescent street lights. Oh dear, beautiful Carlos.

Cecil grabbed Intern Jeremy and made him drive the car down to the bowling alley to pick up Carlos as planned by the two. Tonight, Cecil would make his move. He grabbed a bottle of his favourite cologne, poured a glass of Pinot Noir for each, lit some candles and played smooth jazz over the company speakers. Cecil went back to the airwaves for some more news, trying to stall while he could.

Intern Georgia rushed in and announced that Intern Jeremy had been sucked into the lizard dimension where he was crowned Lizard King and then ritually eaten by the lizards after having his organs splayed over a blood magic dais and being sacrificed to the lizard gods.

"Darn", thought Cecil "He made such good strawberry pie."

He asked Georgia to get him some romantic fruit and went back to the news.


	4. Chapter 4 - Jazz Fusion

**Chapter 4: Jazz Fusion**

Cecil checked the time. 8:00. The hour of romance, he prepared himself mentally and physically for his guest. He would be in the presence of the most perfect person who ever existed. Cecil brushed his hair, teeth, eyelashes, eyebrows, washed his face, put on his face, put on his black jacket and 'fashion shoes' and waited eagerly for Carlos while the weather played. Cecil had chosen In A Silent Way by Miles Davis

"I sure hope Carlos likes jazz fusion!" He said excitedly, showcasing his extensive knowledge of jazz music.

While Cecil smiled and thought positive and sexy thoughts Intern Rhiarn ran in with a phone call. It was from Station Management.

"Hello?" Cecil answered.

A low pitched rumbling and gurgling, like a walrus drinking a milkshake came from the other end.

"Yes the guest is coming soon, I assure you"

A few screams occurred, then a loud hissing and static.

"No! I can't do your laundry now! Ask one of the interns"

The building shook violently as disgruntled squelches came from the other end.

"Fine, fine!"

Cecil grabbed Intern Rhiarn and dressed her to look like him, except nowhere near as good as him. He grabbed one of his toupees, a purple sweater and applied some eye makeup and then pushed her downstairs into Station Management's office. He blocked out her screams by turning up the volume on the music. Tonight would be perfect, Cecil couldn't let anything go wrong. Intern Georgia brought in the fruit plate with some complimentary chocolates. Cecil made sure to not kill Intern Georgia.

Cecil finished up his errands by broadcasting the deaths of Interns Rhiarn and Jeremy, sending their families complimentary sporting goods and gave bribes to the city council to keep the radio station alive. Ever since the gelatinous, squid-like, pansexual beast that now is Station Management crawled out from the abyss near Radon Canyon and devoured the former owner and forced Cecil and the thousands of Intern Clones to do it's bidding, funding for the radio has mostly gone to Station Management's belongings. He remembered when he looked inside the office and was amazed, the walls gilded with gold, a crystal bathtub and tentacle cleaner and plate of fresh children to eat. Station Management definitely lived the good life.

Suddenly, a brick hurtled through the window, Cecil ducked as the brick hit Intern Alhana, killing her instantly. Her skull cracked open, allowing her brain to escape and move freely. Perhaps that brain would become a doctor, a lawyer, the next Mayor of Night Vale. The possibilities were endless. Cecil heard a knock at the door and knew who it was.


	5. Chapter 5 - French Exchange

**Chapter 5: French Exchange **

Cecil skipped down the stairs, after rearranging his hair, glasses, tie, shoelaces, eyelashes and applying his blue contacts to conceal the fact that he has no irises. He breathed slowly, savouring the warm, desert air that tasted faintly of vanilla and opened the door.

Cecil's excitement fell when he discovered the package at his feet, instead of his Italian dilettante whom he had been awaiting all this time.

"I guess Carlos isn't coming at all", he sighed.

Cecil took the package upstairs to the office, passing Intern Georgia, Intern Lucy, Intern Sasha and Intern Nelson who seemed to be doing some strange kind of ritual with Khoshekh. Cecil placed the package on the desk and cut the box open. What would be inside? A vortex? A bottle of armagnac? A hatchet?

Cecil discovered instead a strange array of items, one of which was slightly moving. Cecil found some candles, a two for one coupon at Gino's Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar, some hair gel and the moving box. The items were covered in a strange purple goo, similar to the ones that coated the walls of the radio station. Cecil checked the time and realised it was time for a broadcast. He quickly called up Intern Nelson to take the items away and put them in his car.

"Good Evening Listeners, it is with much regret that I say that dear, beautiful, perfect Carlos will not be joining us this evening, due to unforeseen circumstances. However, we do have another special guest" Cecil thought rapidly trying to think of someone

"Um... Intern Sasha! A French exchange student who has travelled the world."

Cecil quickly hurried Intern Sasha upstairs, who was exclaiming her frustration in French. Cecil grabbed a translator and a microphone and set up the recording system.

"So Sasha, how are you enjoying Night Vale?"

"*chhhkkk* Well, Cecil *chhhkkk* It is so dark here *chhhkkk* and no one seems to realise the *chhhkkk* the murders and eternal darkness we live in *chhhkkk* please help me."

"Ahahaha, such a comedian as always. Tell us about France"

"*chhhkkk* My family sold me to this station *chhhkkk* I have no real home."

"Intiguing! Well that's all the time we have, see you later friend!"

Intern Sasha fell down the stairs going back to her room, breaking her spine. She was then devoured by Khoskeh's children.

Cecil grew nervous, the broadcast was going slow and he needed to spice things up. Who apart from the government and the deities was Night Vale afraid of most? The angels? No, they're loved by all! Big Rico? No, he's a friendly pizza man! The Glow Cloud? No, ever since his nice children attended the school we've realised what a loving father he was!

He then heard a loud rumble from Station Management's office downstairs

"Shut up! I'm thinking!" he yelled.

The rumbling grew louder and more agitated, with some sexual frustration.

"Shut U-"

Cecil than suddenly realised. The slime, the hair gel, the coupon, the candles, Station Management's ambiguous sexual preferences. He was supposed to interview it. That writhing mass of tentacles, corpses and strange horns. Cecil was horrified, did Station Management eat Carlos? He went down the stairs, to find out what he had in store.


	6. Chapter 6 - Moist Tentacles

**Chapter 6: Moist Tentacles**

"Oh no."

There before him, was Station Management, a bundle of roses in it's hand, silver rings on each tentacle. It started gurgling, presumably words of adoration. But that wasn't what Cecil was terrified about, he had seen flirtatious signs in it's for a couple of weeks, he's not oblivious you know.

It was Carlos, bound and gagged in a cage that made Cecil alarmed. Admittedly he found it slightly sexy, but mostly terrified. He knew what would happen if he didn't go to dinner though. The unthinkable. SUSPENDED WITHOUT PAY. He led Station Management outside to his Bentley, he quickly whispered to Carlos.

"I'll be back in a few hours, there are some minutes near the restroom you can like up with your tongue."

He turned the radio onto the smooth jazz station, to add some romance to the situation. He tried not to cringe as Station Management caressed his scalp with it's moist tentacles.

"Only a few hours" he repeated to himself.

"Only a few hours to go."

He booked himself into Gino's Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar and asked for some candles. As Station Management sat down in the velvet chair, he suddenly noticed it's beautiful suction cups. The light shone on the shades of maroon and brown in it's slime. The bottomless void in it's irises sparkled. Maybe Station Management wasn't that bad after all. It was a perfectly peaceful evening.

Until the candles arrived.


End file.
